couples work

By the time people are looking for couples therapy, they usually want repair, change and/or ‘tools’. (The lucky ones come early to insure against future problems).

The culture of the relationship is often what’s underneath the challenges people are experiencing. The culture in any system stems from the beliefs, values, traditions and behaviours of its people.

Sometimes it is shaped intentionally. A lot of the time it is not and whilst couples can start with hope and optimism, growing closer and more aligned over time, the brain is ruthlessly efficient, and stops looking so closely at what it thinks it already knows. It automates what is familiar and that familiarity, as we all know, breeds contempt.

Sometimes the catalyst for getting support is obvious - betrayal/affair, illness, loss, conflict, money, sex, kids.

Sometimes it’s subtle. You may still be getting along but attraction is waning, fondness is out of reach or differing sex drives seem impassable.

A sense that, no matter how hard you try, you are stuck in a loop. The same argument, no matter the topic and nothing you try to do shifts it.

In fact, the more one of you tries to solve the problem, the more the other pulls away.

But why are we in this situation when it never used to be like this?

Couples run into difficulty for two reasons:

The first: the relationship hasn’t been built deliberately.
The culture has not been designed intentionally.
It has come about as a result of all the ways you behave and think.

The second: You didn’t agree on what you do when the relationship comes under stress. There’s no fire alarm procedure.

When pressure hits - and it always does - you behave in line with the values of the unintended culture, rather than according to what you both signed up to.

Every relationship brings together two different nervous systems, histories, values, expectations and ways of coping under stress.

You believe the other is responsible for your distress which makes them responsible for getting you out of pain.

Seeking relief, you approach.
Present your case.

But they move away.
Sensing danger.

Both responses make sense individually.

But together, they create partners stuck in mental litigation.

“You just don’t get it. And whenever I explain, you shut me out.”

“Oh my god, I can literally never get it right can I? And when I try, you just criticise me.”

“I feel like we’re so disconnected”

“You’re not the only one.”

A word on neurodiversity: when one or more people in a relationship are ADHD and/or Autistic it makes it even more important to navigate inter-personal stress effectively. How our brains work shape how we experience others. Understanding that some of how you are showing up in your relationship is down to neurobiology and not a flaw in your character can support you to build a structure that works with the way your your brain is wired.

Although stressors on relationships can vary from money to in-laws, from sex to blended families, the dynamic often isn’t. Entrenched positions stemming from well-nursed resentments creates a cycle of attack and defence and the relationship is no longer the safe harbour it used to be.

Ruptures generally follow a pattern — each of you trying to get something important across and yet unable to reach or read your partner accurately.

Small things escalate quickly.

One of you is becoming exhausted or close to giving up.

Trust has been damaged and you don’t know how to rebuild it.

You feel more like opponents than partners.

You’ve had the same conversation so many times - and it goes nowhere.

This is where couples therapy can help. My job is to help you see the system you’ve built together and support you in intentionally building something different that can withstand the slings and arrows life throws at us.

This work is for couples who:

Are stuck despite trying everything to fix things.

Tried other couples therapy without lasting change.

Want to learn how to get out of trouble.

Want to learn to collaborate but don’t know how.

Are prepared to engage seriously in the process.

What to Expect:

Sessions are usually two hours, allowing enough time for the patterns between you to emerge and be worked with directly. By attending to what’s happening as it shows up, while understanding the histories each of you brings into the room, it becomes easier for you to see how the behaviour that seems personal, isn’t.

It only feels that way.

In time, this work helps you become experts on each other’s uniqueness.

You learn the difference between interdependence and codependence.

Temporary distance no longer signals a failing relationship.

You can trust that whilst closeness may not be there today, it’s unlikely personal or all their fault, and can probably be tolerated.

New ways of interacting can feel unnatural, scary and even confronting — after all, we are working directly with well-established patterns that probably used to meet important needs.

The work I do is structured and contained, so that you can be engaged without becoming overwhelmed.

I focus on how each of you responds under pressure and how you unwittingly reinforce the cycle you are caught in.

In the first session is a little longer allowing the dynamic between you to become clear, usually bringing some relief, discomfort and embarrassment that you are now seeing the reality of what you have co-created.

From there, you can begin the work of building a secure-functioning relationship.

You can read about my qualifications, experience and training here and how to choose a couples therapist here.

Whatever has brought you here, you are very welcome.

If this sounds like it could be the right approach for your relationship, you’re welcome to arrange a complimentary 20-minute conversation here.

I see couples online and offer in-person sessions in Devonport on the North Shore, Auckland.