How To Choose a Couples Therapist

You are about to let someone into the middle of your relationship.

The most private, precious, important thing in your life.

The place where you and your partner are at your most vulnerable.

The place that brings out the parts of you that you are least proud of.

What’s more, that someone will be a complete stranger. And when you choose that person, all you’ve got to go on is a bunch of websites with maybe the odd unverifiable review or Reddit thread.

Letting someone in needs to be taken seriously.

I’ve worked with hundreds of couples, in person and online. Some had tried couples therapy before and it didn’t go well: the therapist took sides, forgot vital information, was judgmental and one or both of you felt missed or talked down to; they were an ‘expert’ on your relationship after ten minutes. The experience didn’t shift anything.

For some it’s their first time and a step into the unknown.

Either way, you are embarking on a journey which is likely to be challenging and uncomfortable and you need to be aware that bad couples therapy can cause untold and irreversible damage.

In most countries, there is no regulatory body for couples therapists or marriage counsellors.

Being an individual therapist is a completely different skill set from being an effective couples therapist. There is some overlap in the knowledge, but they look very different in practice.

Well-meaning counsellors or psychotherapists trained to work with individuals often want to branch into couples work. They attend a local weekend workshop or have ‘working with couples’ bolted on to their psychology degree.

But that’s not enough.

Being familiar with theories around attachment or nervous system co-regulation isn’t the same as knowing how to support couples when those systems show up in front of them.

Someone who has completed a dedicated, multi-year training program entirely focused on couples work is quite different.

So how do you choose where to invest your considerable time and money to get the outcome you want?

Research. Planning. Intention.

Couples therapists use different models. Read up on them and see which ones resonate. Then look for practitioners trained in that model and, most importantly, to what level.

Many models provide training ranging from a few hours to many years, but people will say they are a “PACT Therapist”, “Gottman”, or “Imago” trained.

Identify one or more that feel good and search for those specific practitioners.

Most will offer an introductory 15-30 minute call.

It’s good to arrive on the call prepared. How will you describe the issues you face? Bring examples you are both comfortable sharing of how this plays out.

Not just ‘we need communication tools’, or ‘we are struggling to be a blended family’.

People often show up and can’t describe their challenges and have no questions. It makes sense, this is all new but it’s also not helpful for them. Remember, you are hiring someone. We are lucky to work with the clients we do, not the other way around. That said, if I feel I am not the right fit for a couple, I will not take them on.

Sometimes it’s less necessary: “this happened, and we are lost and don’t know what to do”. Betrayal, illness and death would be good examples of this.

If there is a characteristic in your relationship that you want to be known, ask if they know how to work with it. This could be neurodiversity, second marriages/blended families, race/culture, same-sex/queer, age difference, betrayal, illness/disability, polyamory/consensual non-monogamy, religion/belief system, mismatched libido, secrecy, violence…the list goes on.

Sometimes the conversation will flow and you’ll get a sense of whether this is the person, and it can also be helpful to have some things written down that you want to get out of the call.

Things like what is the frequency and length of sessions and how many sessions do you usually do with couples? Do you mainly see couples? (It takes a certain kind of muscle to sit in front of conflict, betrayal, disconnection, and repair; you want someone who has a strong one). Do couples split up that you work with? Do you think we can come back from this? If they say, “It’s very rare that couples split up when they work with me,” tha’s a red flag.

The best therapist can’t save a doomed relationship or even one that is breaking. They may be able to support you to save it, but if you don’t engage in the work, there’s not much hope. They may say, “Well, what does success look like to you? What do you want to get out of it?”

I usually say something like “my job is firstly to support you two to be in reality of what is happening and then to help you build something that can withstand the slings and arrows of life. To help you weather the storms. You know what to do when things are good, so I don’t need to tell you that. For some couples, successful couples therapy actually means being supported to exit the relationship.”

Often people ask whether I see them individually and together. Some therapists do this but it’s been my experience that it’s not helpful for the relationship to see couples individually. Ultimately, the process is quicker and at greater depth when you, the couple, are the one client. It’s the system you co-created that’s the problem, so it’s the system that needs addressing, as uncomfortable as that may be. And if you are thinking about your side and their side when you’re meant to be on the same team, the culture of the relationship will need to be explored anyway.  If you want justice with compassion and empathy for your version, there’s always AI. Free. Limitless.

As you are talking you’ll get a sense of whether you trust this person, an outsider, to come into your most intimate worlds. Do I trust that after a few hours they will not leave you in a state where you can’t get back to the practical commitments of your life.

A word on fees. You can expect to pay anything between $100 and $500 an hour. The most expensive isn’t always the best, and vice versa. But if possible, I would make that the final consideration. Paying half for something that doesn’t work is going to land you with a much higher cost in the end.

Most therapists have a sliding scale built into their financial model. This is so they can work with people who they feel will be committed and will engage in the work. This is not the same as negotiating because you think they charge too much even though you could afford it. But if you will be in the session thinking that going to the toilet will cost you $15 in time spent, then it’s probably not the best fit.

And lastly, please remember, this is work.

Going to the sessions isn’t the thing that’s going to transform your relationship. When couples say the couples therapy isn’t working, it’s usually because they are still behaving based on how they feel rather than what they’ve agreed to in their sessions.

It’s the work you do between the sessions, putting into practice what you learn and experience in the consulting room. If you had a personal trainer every other week but all you did was sit on the couch eating junk food between appointments, then nothing would change, but that doesn’t mean personal training doesn’t work.

Although if that were happening, a good personal trainer would be curious and either explore that with you or would stop taking your money because they could see you expected them to do all the work for you.

If you’d like to read more about how I work, head over to my ‘couples’ page.