how to choose a couples therapist

You are about to let someone into the middle of your relationship.

The most private, precious, important thing in your life.

The place where you and your partner are at your most vulnerable.

The place that brings out the parts of you that you are least proud of.

What’s more, that someone will be a complete stranger. And all you’ve got to go on is a website with the odd unverifiable review and a Reddit thread.

Letting someone in needs to be taken seriously.

I’ve worked with hundreds of couples, in-person and online. Some had tried couples therapy before and it didn’t go well: the therapist took sides, forgot vital information, was judgmental and one or both of you felt missed or talked down to. They were an ‘expert’ on your relationship after ten minutes and the experience didn’t shift anything or maybe made things worse.

For others, it’s their first time and a step into the unknown.

Either way, you are embarking on a journey which is likely to be challenging and uncomfortable, and rest assured, bad couples therapy can cause untold and irreversible damage.

Anyone can call themselves a couples therapist or marriage counsellor because in most countries, there is no regulatory body and no laws protecting the clients.

A registered individual therapist doesn’t automatically possess the very specific skill set to work with couples. Sure, there is some overlap in the knowledge, but they are very different in practice.

Well-meaning counsellors or psychotherapists who are trained to work with individuals often want to branch into couples work. They attend a local weekend workshop or have ‘working with couples’ bolted on to their psychology degree and add ‘couples’ to their profile.

But it’s not enough.

Being familiar with attachment theory or nervous system co-regulation isn’t the same as knowing how to support couples when complex dynamics are playing out in front of them.

Someone who has completed a dedicated, multi-year training program entirely focused on couples work is quite different.

So how do you choose where to invest your considerable time and money to get the outcome you want?

With research, planning and intention.

Couples therapy models vary. You’ll want to read up on them and see which ones resonate. When you find one you like, look for practitioners qualified to practise it. And bear in mind that a practitioner advertising as Gottman- or Imago-trained may still have only a few hours of training. So, check the level they reached. A reputable training body will have a directory with these details.

Most will offer an introductory 15-30 minute call.

By the time people are looking for help, explaining the situation can be simple.

“Something’s happened. We don’t know what to do”.

Betrayal, illness and death would be good examples of this.

But if it’s a repeating loop, think about how you will describe the issues you face. Bring recent examples you are both comfortable sharing of how the issues play out, not just ‘we need communication tools’, or ‘we are struggling to be a blended family’.

Remember, you are hiring someone and, as couples therapists, we are lucky to work with the clients we do, not the other way around.

Ask if the person knows how to work with your uniqueness. This could be neurodiversity, second marriages/blended families, race/culture, LGBTQ+, age difference, betrayal, illness/disability, polyamory/consensual non-monogamy, religion/belief system, history of violence, other family members, trauma, mismatched libido, secrecy…the list goes on.

Sometimes the conversation will flow, and you’ll get a sense of whether this is the person, but it can also be helpful to have some things written down that you want to get out of the call: the frequency and length of sessions or the average length of treatment. You could ask whether they mainly see couples or individuals. It takes a certain kind of muscle to sit in front of conflict, betrayal, disconnection, and repair; you want someone who has a strong one.

You might ask whether they’ve seen couples come back from this, or be curious whether people ever split up during couples therapy. If the response is “people don’t separate on my watch,” that’s a red flag.

Hopefully, they’ll say that their job is, initially, to support the two of you in seeing the reality of what is happening, and then to help you build something that can withstand the slings and arrows of life. To help you better weather the storms. They will also acknowledge that sometimes successful couples therapy means being supported to exit the relationship.

Remember, even the best couples therapist can’t fix your relationship. They can support you to build something different, but not if you don’t engage in the work.

People almost always ask whether I see them individually and together. Some therapists do this, but in my experience, seeing couples individually isn’t helpful for the relationship. Ultimately, the process is quicker and at greater depth when you, the couple, are the one client. It’s the system you co-created that’s the problem, so it’s the system that needs to be addressed, as uncomfortable as that may be.

Individual work can definitely be a huge boost to couples therapy, just not with the person who is supposed to be impartial and supporting you to be a better couple.

“But I want you to hear my side of the story.”

If you’re after validation, compassion, and empathy for your version of events, AI does a great job of providing them. Free. Limitless.

But when you are in couples therapy, you can’t litigate the past whilst building something for the future. If there are things that need repairing, that’s different.

As you are talking with your prospective practitioner, you’ll get a sense of whether you trust them (an outsider) to come into your most intimate space and to leave it in a way that supports you to go back into the world.

A word on fees. You can expect to pay anything between $100 and $500 an hour. The most expensive isn’t always the best. But if possible, I would make money the final consideration. Paying half for something that doesn’t work is going to cost you more than just the financial loss.

Most therapists have a sliding scale built into their financial model. This is so they can work with people who they feel will be committed and engaged in the work but can’t afford the full fee. This is not an invitation to negotiate on the grounds of believing they are charging too much. But you do need to feel comfortable with what you are paying and if you’re going to be thinking that going to the toilet will cost you $15 in time spent, then it’s probably not the best fit.

And lastly, please remember, this is work.

Going to the sessions isn’t what’s going to transform your relationship. When couples say ‘it’s not working’, it’s usually because they are still behaving based on how they feel rather than what they’ve agreed to in their sessions.

It’s the work you do between the sessions, putting into practice what you learn and experience in the consulting room. If you had a personal trainer every other week but all you did was sit on the couch eating junk food between appointments, then nothing would change, but that doesn’t mean personal training doesn’t work.

Although if that were happening, a good personal trainer would be curious and either explore that with you or would stop taking your money because they could see you expected them to do all the work for you.

If you’d like to read more about how I work, head over to my ‘couples’ page.