How Fight, Flight & Freeze Show Up in Relationships

When Your Body Thinks Your Partner Is a Threat

Most of us assume that relationship struggles are about poor communication, unresolved issues, or clashing personalities. But underneath that, there’s often something more primal happening: your nervous system is perceiving threat.

When our attachment system feels unsafe — even subtly — we fall into automatic survival responses. These aren’t flaws. They’re protective strategies your body learned long ago.

Fight, Flight & Freeze — In a Couple

• Fight: You escalate. You get critical, fast-talking, sarcastic, or intense. You’re trying to regain control, but it can feel like attack.

• Flight: You leave — not always physically, but mentally. You change the subject, deflect, check out, or “logic your way out” of feeling.

• Freeze: You shut down, go blank, dissociate. You’re physically present but emotionally gone. It can look like stonewalling — but it’s often collapse.

None of these are chosen. They are automatic, embodied, and often unconscious.

Why Couples Therapy Needs to Work with the Body

You can’t talk your way out of a nervous system response.

That’s why in my work with couples, especially from a PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy)perspective, we slow things down and begin to notice what’s actually happening in the body before words even come.

This allows for real repair — not just conflict management. And it often leads to more compassion between partners: “Oh… you weren’t trying to hurt me. You were scared.”

Want to Learn More?

👉 Explore couples therapy in Auckland with a nervous system focus